Reflecting on four years…

I’m also full of feels about today when I remembered what today marks. It’s four years since I got canned at IIT, that I set off on this wild journey of doing INDG full time, becoming more of a public speaker, streamer and full time diversity advocate. I’m … burnt out though. It’s been four years of (mostly) scraping by, feeling discouraged about 70% of the time I do this work. Of frustration over the way people assume fame because of a high follower count and who you know/associate with just comes with the territory.

It’s been weird cause I am the most introvert of introvert people on a good day since I no longer have to go into an office or report up a chain to someone else. I’ve also failed, a lot both personally and professionally. My mental health is probably worse for wear, scratch that. I know it’s worse than when I left that campus four years ago with two bags, hopped in a cab and cried most of the way home.

I had just come back from GX3, had been allowed to set up the office I’d been moved into while I was gone. To be honest it was more of a storage room than an office but yeah. Around 12pm I got called into one of those HR meetings via my cell phone. Anyone who’s been let go knows what that means. I was given a load of horse shit about performance, after I’d done a PiP, improved enough to get a retroactive raise that had been denied and suddenly in a month, it was back to I had to be let go.

Yeah, I bounced back but those last two weeks of December 2015 were some of the hardest mentally I’d had in a while. This was after my last abusive supervisor at DePaul had terrorized me the last few months I worked there. Don’t get my wrong, I am incredibly grateful for all I have done in these past four years. I’ve been honored internationally, I’m in a museum exhibit at the V&A and have spoken at the Smithsonian! Not small feats, but it’s come at a price though.

I feel beat down by all that I’ve had to do, had to sacrificed to get to this point. I’ve hermited, lost friendships or lost connections with people while building others. It’s … been so much, and I’m tired. However, being tired means stopping what I do and that means no income for the forseeable future. Unfortunately, the landlord can’t take hopes and dreams of a gig that will set me for life. Until I really hit a point of “making it” I’m stuck in a rut.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this thread anymore, I started out thinking about this day four years ago and now it’s gotten maudlin. I want to get to a point where I have the energy to create and enjoy it again. To be at a point where I can hire someone to do all this admin shit I am normally good at but don’t have enough time in the day for anymore. Mostly I want a nap, and to wake up to my life being in order, house cleaned and a few G’s in the bank. But that’s a fairytale ending.

We know that folks like me, like a lot of the people in the community I am so, so grateful for never get fairytale endings. Often we’re written out before the first word hits the page. I guess all in all, I’m feeling reflective, thankful but still exhausted by life. This is what it means to make your passion your job and frankly? It fucking sucks the joy out of that passion, whatever it is. Keep your joy and passions separate from your job.

For everyone who supports me via Patreon, Twitch, ko-fi, stream gifts, etc I appreciate you so much. I literally couldn’t do this without you all. For my stream and discord fam, thank you. You keep me going when the burden is too much. ❤