When body dysmorphia hangs out like an unwanted guest.
Even though I posted a selfie earlier today, I’ve been in a real bad place of hating my face and body for a while now. Especially my neck, that wattle bothers me so much and I spend a lot of time trying to angle pics so I look less flubbery.
I also have no concept of what I *actually* look like vs what my brain in it’s constant flux of body dysmorphia *tells me* what I look like. I fucking hate it. Going to the gym hasn’t helped either. Cause there’s an insidious little voice whispering that it doesn’t matter if I go to the gym, I’m still going to be fugly. I’ll still be this blob that isn’t attractive and why should I even bother to go outside on really bad days.
IDK, it’s a thing I’m struggling with a lot and insults when I stream, or calling me a man or asking what I am ramp that up spectacularly. Not even sure I’ll leave the tweets up cause I know what will happen. People won’t read the full thread and give compliments or assurances. Except when you’re in that bad place, it doesn’t help (and in my case) can make it worse. I don’t talk about this stuff to fish for compliments, at all. Just trying to process it out loud.
I’ve given up on asking people not to respond in certain ways cause folks don’t listen or respect it when I do ask for that. So IDK, just a text brain dump as I try to get the day going and get some work done.
